I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize