remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
