Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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