I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
