there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
