You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
