Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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