Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
