I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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