I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
where does the pee come out of this thing
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
