There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just found puke in my bra..
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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