We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize