ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
