walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
