nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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