help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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