I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Four minutes until I can fart!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
