I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize