Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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