So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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