I hope mine doesn't look like that
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
