im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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