How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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