Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
