You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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