I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize