I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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