it's not cheating when I paid for it
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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