all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
