I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize