rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
