This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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