if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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