Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize