She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
