i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
