Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
