1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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