hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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