Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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