I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
