The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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