So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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