Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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