I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
