If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
