I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
