I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
