Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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