I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
