More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
