see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
