i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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