The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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