i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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