I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
